Part I

Part I

[it is not self-seeking]

Let’s take a look at my inability to be real with other people. I play social games. Every interaction is like a ploy to get people to notice me, remember me, be impressed by me. Does this make me a fake?

How are we not be imposters? We are constantly deluding ourselves—deceiving and being deceived—building jungle gyms of justifications, only talking to people we know will affirm us...
But if we ask the important "why?" question, we might find the desire to be affirmed is there for a reason. But can we ever feel affirmed enough from people? Even if we do, does it mean anything? Somehow to me, the affirmation I seek from people does not hold much weight when I receive it. It blows away; it is not stable--not like real glory or fulfillment.

Last year when my friend Joshua Sutton left us, he passed on this quote of his read at his funeral:

“It is really easy to wish that you were somebody else…

…even if they are wishing the same thing about you.”

It’s a funny thing about people. Most of the time we are scared to expose ourselves around others, afraid of what they think of us. What I often fail to realize is that most people aren’t thinking of me the majority of the time because they, like me, are too busy thinking of themselves and what I am thinking of them. There are very few people who actually are thinking about you while you are talking to them.

And these are the people we don’t need to be afraid of, because chances are, if they are unselfish enough to find out who you are, they are unselfish enough to care.

I find myself in a weird anomaly of pride and insecurity. It’s my selfishness that keeps me stuck on only thinking of myself when I’m talking to other people; it’s my insecurity that feels the need to. Pride and insecurity are manifest in the examples of social upward and downward comparison. It seems as if we are perpetually either upward comparing (measuring ourselves up to other people and finding ourselves wanting) or downward comparing (picking out what is wrong with other people so we can feel like we are better than they are).

What would it take to cut all that out and be bold in our love with people? Can we find our security of who we are from something more stable than other people so that we disregard ourselves when we are talking to (and about) them? Can we stop trying to impress them and look to be impressed by them instead?

When I cease my search for someone to say there is no one like you I can instead look for how this is true of my neighbor, and ways to let them know.